


i can't drown my demons (they know how to swim)

by littleblacksubmarines



Series: Firefighter 'verse [2]
Category: Blink-182
Genre: Alternate Universe - Firefighters, Cuddling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Matt needs a hug, Mentions of Burns, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of miscarriage, aftermath of working in EMS, emotionally protective matt, implied PTSD, mentions of decapitations, nothing too descriptive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-16 02:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8083231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleblacksubmarines/pseuds/littleblacksubmarines
Summary: The aftermath of working in fire/EMS. Matt opens up to Mark.Belongs in the same universe as Burning House. Can be read as a standalone however.





	

**Author's Note:**

> If you got here by googling yourself or your family member, I would highly suggest just closing the tab and never coming back.
> 
> While the people are real, the events I've laid out are either fictitious or based off of my real life. I don't own anyone mentioned in these stories unless stated otherwise.
> 
> This is a window into my own life, all of these events are real and have happened, some things may have been changed to protect patient information and confidentiality.  
> Please, if any of the things in the tags bother you, please do not read this. There is nothing very descriptive.  
> Thank you to intothefields/hoppusfucker42096 for beta'ing. You're a godsend!  
> Come play on tumblr, intoxicated-circulations  
> Title to Bring Me The Horizon.  
> Thanks for looking!

With 20 years in the fire service and being a paramedic, Matt Skiba has seen his fair share of horror. He’s like everyone else in the field—makes jokes, laughs it off, has become so hardened to death and everything it brings. The only other person on his shift at LAFD that’s also a paramedic is Travis, so they run EMS calls together. They work well together, they’ve been called the “dream team” by newbies and others that have heard some of their stories.

It was a normal shift, one small fire and one motor vehicle accident, before Matt and Travis were dispatched to a shooting. 17 year old female, self inflicted gunshot to the head…estimated 5 months pregnant.

“FUCK!” Matt shouted, barely kissing his husband goodbye before running to the pole and sliding down to the truck bay. 

Travis jumped in the passenger seat and Matt took off, expertly navigating the ambulance through the streets of Los Angeles while Travis controlled the siren cadences and communicated with county dispatch over the radio. By the time the two marked on scene and ran inside, it was far too late. The girl’s skin was cold to the touch, she had brain matter coming from her skull. There was no pulse; no respirations. Matt hung his head as he dropped the house bag on the floor, turning to Travis and whispering, “Call the coroner.”

Matt and Travis returned to the station, Mark had come down to the truck bay to spot them so Matt could back the ambulance in. He got out without saying a word, pulled Mark into a tight embrace, and stated that he was going to bed. It was 4 pm. Their shift ended at 7 am. Nobody saw Matt until then.

*

Matt seemed to be fine the next day, going grocery shopping with Mark and even calling his mother to talk. He cooked dinner as usual, singing and dancing. But Mark could tell Matt was still bothered. 

Later that night, as they laid in bed, Mark wrapped his arms around Matt and pulled him close; their legs were entwined and Matt’s face was in the junction of Mark’s neck.

“Babe,” Mark whispered, running a hand down Matt’s bare side, “I won’t pry. And I won’t force you to talk to me. I know you think I don’t know what it’s like. And maybe I don’t, because I haven’t seen near the amount of stuff you have, but you know you can tell me anything.” 

Matt shuddered, pressing closer to Mark. He was silent, but Mark could feel his mouth open and close. Then he felt hot tears on his neck.

“You know, after 20 years, you would think stuff wouldn’t bother me the way it does,” Matt started out, pulling back a little so his words weren’t so muffled.

“But it does. That girl was 17, Mark. 17 with a baby inside her, and she thought she didn’t have any options left. Her baby dad left her, her parents weren’t speaking to her. So the only thing she thought to do was stick a fucking .45 to the side of her head.” Matt mumbled, more hot tears spilling from his eyes.

“I fucking hate it when people ask me what’s the worst thing I’ve seen. That’s literally my biggest fucking nightmare, and these people want me to relive it. For what? Their own sick amusement?

“Do you remember a couple months ago, Travis and I had that call on the other side of town for vaginal bleeding? We thought it would be bullshit, like it always is, until we got there and this lady miscarried her baby in the toilet. The whole fucking thing, Mark, placenta and all. God, we had to get her out of there so fast, because she was going into hypovolemic shock. We carried her out to the truck, and Travis was begging me to go back inside, he threw a suction canister at me and told me he forgot something. I couldn’t figure it out, until I saw the fear in his eyes: I had to go back and get the baby out of the toilet,” Matt said, voice gravely around the lump in his throat.

“Of course I went back in, there’s no way I’d make him do that, not when he’s got kids of his own. So there I go, on my hands and knees, scooping out blood and fucking placenta, and then I had it in my hand. The baby, Mark, I had the fucking baby in my hand,” Matt’s voice broke, “God, it was so fucking small! Could fit right in the palm of my hand, and it’s skin was so translucent. I was torn between doing CPR, but fuck, I couldn’t even tell the gender and the fucking translucent skin…the police officer, Joy, she was telling me it wasn’t viable and was urging me out the door. Mark, what if I could’ve saved it, done CPR?” Matt was fully crying at this point, hands clenched into fists.

Mark shushed his husband, wiping the tears from his face and blinking back tears from his own eyes. He didn’t say anything, because, fuck. What do you say at that point? 

“And then, this was years ago, back when I was a stupid fucking kid in medic school and running with a volunteer department in the middle of goddamn nowhere,” Matt continued, taking one of Mark’s hands in his own and squeezing, “Those motherfuckers let a guy burn to death in his garage, in front of his fucking son and best friend. I still have the smell in my nose, Mark, I don’t think it’ll ever go away. I was wearing two pairs of gloves when I rolled him into the body bag with the fire marshall, and I can still fucking feel his skin on my hands,” Matt cried silently.

Mark took Matt’s hands and placed them over his chest, so that Matt could feel his heartbeat. Mark busied his hands by carding them through Matt’s soft hair, his own eyes glistening with the way his husband was opening up to him. He got the feeling that Matt had never done this before.

“Marky,” Matt whispered, his grip on Mark’s chest tightening. 

“Yeah, baby?” Mark replied, cupping Matt’s cheek.

Mark learned very early on in their friendship that Matt liked to be grounded with touch, and Mark would give that to him until his arms fell off or the world ended.

“Do you remember, it was just last week or so, when we had the motor vehicle accident out on the Long Beach Freeway in the middle of the night?” Matt asked, closing his eyes.

Mark nodded, “Yeah, babe, why?”

“Well, you know how when you were walking over to the vehicle, and before you could even make it over, I told you to go back to the truck and call the coroner?” Matt continued, eyes fluttering open, staring into Mark’s.

“Yeah, I thought it was strange, but I didn’t question it. Normally we don’t go back to the truck to make the phone call,” Mark said, looking back into Matt’s blue eyes which were welling up with tears.

“Yeah. That’s because this lady was decapitated. And her head was laying right in front of my feet,” Matt sobbed out, tears falling down his cheeks once again, “I did that because I didn’t want you to see it, Mark. I don’t want you to be fucked up like me,” the last part was said as a whisper.

“Hey, Matthew, listen to me. You’re not fucked up at all baby,” Mark said, a soothing tone taking over his voice, “You’ve been doing this a long time. You’ve seen a lot. And if I could take it all away from you, I would in a heartbeat. I know that nothing I say will make it better. Just know I love you and I’m always here for you. And I appreciate everything you do for me, more than you’ll ever know,” he concluded, wiping the tears from Matt’s face once again.

Matt leaned in for a gentle kiss, god, he loved Mark so much. 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” Matt sighed, letting Mark pull him close once again. 

Mark smiled against Matt’s hair, running a hand down his side to his back.

“I say the same thing every day, baby boy. I love you, and I’m always here for you,” Mark said once again, hoping that he would get the point across. It hurt him to see Matt holding everything in like that.

Matt rearranged himself under the sheet and thick comforter so he was on his stomach with his head on Mark’s chest, their legs tangled together. Mark continued to play with Matt’s hair, listening for his breathing to become heavy and even out, signaling that his husband was asleep. That’s when Mark finally closed his eyes and let himself fall into slumber.


End file.
